nerd out with me!

First, I typed this up on my Apple notes first so I apologize in advanced for spelling and grammar errors.

I am about to post one of those posts. I went to California for a week to visit my family and I had THE moment. Everyone has that moment were it changes you. It could be with yourself or with a relationship. I was with family when I had this moment, I wanted to break down and cry. I don’t like to cry or show my emotions in front of anyone so I held it in. It was a picture my mom took at an Angels baseball game. I didn’t like me in it at all! I look huge! There I am sitting with my family with this flash of emotions and I act like nothing is wrong. Fast forward to the next morning when I landed back in Texas and it was like I felt everything. So there I was trying not to break down and cry in front of my mom and my kids and a plane full of strangers. So I held it in when my brother picked us up from the airport and took us to his house. I held it in as I drove back to the airport because they swapped my suitcase. I held it in as I talked to the airline guy about my suitcase. I held in when the lady asked me for $3 for parking. I started to crack on my way back to my brothers house and then the flood gates opened. When did it happen? At my brothers apartment complex pool, in front of my mom and kids. You know when someone asks you what’s wrong and if just floods. That’s what happened. What did I do? I shoved it back in the bottle! I didn’t want to do this here. I didn’t want to have an emotional breakdown, at my bothers apartments pool, in-front of my mom and kids. I decided to go back to eating a plant based diet and drinking water. I decided I am not happy. I am not happy with myself or my body. I look and feel huge, I don’t want to be seen by anyone. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to date. I’m tired of faking being happy with myself and my body. I had these moments where I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew what I needed to do but just wasn’t motivated. I started eating plant based and plenty of water for a few days, I’m outside and my friends mom is outside. She says “you look good, are you doing something different” i wanted to answer “uh depression”. I have a special sense of humor. I was like well there is no way this is helping already so I was like um not really, I’m sure it will wear off soon. It’s been a full week of eating a plant based diet and I feel so much better and down 5lbs. I want to go from being overweight to being fit! I want to be proud of my body and show it off. I lost 60lbs one time and gained it all back but I am about to do it again!! I want that amazing before and after picture. I want that in a cute bathing suit, doing a headstand somewhere awesome basic white girl picture on Instagram. I am going to keep it up this time.

Until next time

Peace, love and all things nerdy.

-Shanel